2012, A Year of Ambiguity?

Certain that there is much to be determined for what 2012 holds for me, I sit in my little place in South India and I reminisce on the certain journey that has brought me here. It hasn’t all been flower petals and dancing, although both have been a very beautiful part of this experience. In the journey, amidst frustrations, disappointment, missed timelines and miscommunication there has been constant peace and through it all magnified in times of great joy, miracles of healing and multiplication of resources, God’s very presence has been near and active. While this season may very well be ambiguous, God’s promises certainly never have been. I wrote myself a letter the other day, it will be mailed to my home in Aliso Viejo in six months. The contents of the letter were primarily an encouragement from my present self to the self I foresee being in six months from now. I did this same exercise at the two week marker of my very first trip to India, in an even more ambiguous season in my life. I came across the contents of that very first letter the other day and it was almost a pleading from my then present state to a future state of my own self. I apparently felt then, with great conviction, I would be waning, walking from where I was in that moment into somewhere I had already been before. Perhaps because I was fearful of how I would handle the ambiguity or perhaps because I knew the historical record of choices I had made in the past. Either way there was doubt in the reassuring style in which I wrote a letter of encouragement and gentle, wisely worded rebuking to my future self. I’m truly thankful that between that letter and the ways God has pursued me over these last two years specifically I found the path in which I now sit. I’ve been asked from time to time what I think would happen if the John Brokenshire of today met the John Brokenshire of 2008… I’m certain that they would be intrigued by the processes in which the other justifies ideas and forms thought, but in the end both would walk away from their encounter feeling as though they were right and the other was well-intentioned, a “good person” but misguided.

The idea has got me thinking about these two very specific versions on me. The 2008 former me shows up to said meeting positive, well dressed, super self absorbed, an entrepreneur who feels the world is his oyster. He’s a bit concerned that God may have crossed some wires when piecing him together in his mother’s womb but he’s confident in God’s love him and he’s feeling almost no convictions about the lifestyle he’s pursued. You would only see the surface, it’s flashy and attention-grabbing and what’s going on inside is not public record. He’s honest and he’ll share with you if you ask him but he’s not likely to volunteer anything. When you look closely there is heartbreak behind his eyes and if something doesn’t pan out soon it will likely turn to bitterness. Jesus is the glue holding it all together but there is distance in their relationship.

And then I show up, also positive and equally well dressed. I immediately see through the whole show, I can see the heartbreak and extend compassion. I’ve been there, but Jesus has taken that to the cross for me, I’m healed now. I have so much more life experience to draw from but it doesn’t come across prideful. For a moment I want to evangelize but then I remember that doesn’t work the way I’m talking about. There’s no relationship yet, no common ground has been built. After 10 minutes of banter, I’d go for the jugular and ask some big questions. The most effective thing I could do is raise question to the very foundation my former self seems to be standing on so confidently. It’s gentle but serious. What do I have to lose? We have a long conversation going back and forth. Every once in a while a statement catches 2008 off guard and he sits with the words for a few extra moments before rejoining the conversation, I’m planting seeds. I would walk away from the meeting confidently praying, knowing that God is going to meet that young man in some very specific ways.

Jesus is always, for me, the glue holding it all together but the distance in our relationship is gone. Repentance has replaced my desire for control. Fear of the unknown has become the very freedom by which I travel, work and live. I am healed, whole and in the beautiful pursuit of others who are in their brokenness finding hope, purpose, and a future full of plans to prosper them. In this there is no ambiguity. Welcome 2012!